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User talk:BlueFrozt
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Unholy Book page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! Jay ten (talk) 18:39, September 7, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:42, September 7, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story It was deleted for not being up to quality standards. Starting with the basics, you need to space after punctuation. (This happened a number of times: "Lila was a 17 year old girl.She", "She tried to kill herself three times,but", "even send her to therapies (therapy),", "Her friends;Daniela,Rob,Pamela", etc) Capitalization issues: "gonna fuck shit up!"- Screamed (screamed) Pamela.", ""''Right,like there were (are) any neighbors nearby...or are they?"-Whispered (whispered) Kenny.", ""Oh, I see you're getting in the mood"- Said (said) Lila.", etc. Punctuation issues: you can use either hyphens or quotations, both are not necessary. ""Wow Ken,why(space needed) did you not tell about this place before?"- Daniela said.", ""Well(comma missing) my dad recently build it"- Ken replied.", ""Are you ready to parteeeeey?"- Rob screamed,as he pulled the joints and the bottles of Jack Daniel's from his bag.", etc. Commas missing where needed or a pause is implied: "No(,) no(,) no(,) no man", "Said Jaron(,) the police officer.", etc. Wording issues: "Their parents agreed to allow them to throw the party, because their kids were harmless and good." You need to explain how kids are good in the eyes of her parents when you present evidence suggesting the opposite earlier on. "There was a small light which did a poor illumination to the room" Illumination is a noun, you want to use "illuminating" and restructure/re-word the sentence. It's=it is, its=possession: "it's (its) way", "it's (its) finger", etc. Spelling errors: "Because the dace (dance)" Story issues: Unfortunately you pile a lot onto the protagonist and it makes the story come off as overly dramatic: "Not that they cared very much about Lila, the party was just an excuse so they could smoke weed and drink alcohol together.", "Lila on the other hand felt neutral. Like always, she knew that her friends would forget about her and wouldn't involve(extra space needed) her in any of the fun things they did.", "What did she have to lose? Her life?" After a certain point it feels more like a pity party for the character as opposed to an attempt to build a relatable/involving character. Story issues cont.: A lot of the dialogue just comes off as odd/forced. Speaking of dialogue, there really isn't any need to italicize dialogue. Italicizing certain words adds emphasis, but emphasizing every spoken word devalues the purpose. You shift scenes without a divider or any indicator. "Lila then smiled, a thing she hadn't done in a long time. "Oh mighty spirit, why is Rob such a douchebag?- Said Kenny." The story is fairly rushed and Lila goes from hanging out with her friends to hating them for little to no reason, which begs the question, if she didn't want to be with them, why did she go in the first place? There are a lot of issues here, but those were some of them that lead to the story being deleted. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:10, September 7, 2015 (UTC) :There's more than just mechanical issues wrong with the story (See: story issues), some of which I overlooked while focusing on other problems, so this is going to take a lot of re-working before you should make a deletion appeal (or get admin approval) in order to re-upload the story. I suggest taking it to the writer's workshop to get feedback before you consider making an appeal. (Note that making an appeal now without changes will result in me copy/pasting the above message and turning down the appeal.) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:25, September 7, 2015 (UTC)